On quality.

I’ve neglected my blogging of late. Poor, quiet blog; void of any new thoughts and gentle readers. I could easily blame all the recent events in my life. Or a busy work schedule that keeps me away from my personal writing. Or the challenges of posting from foreign countries with sporadic internet access. Really? No. I’m lazy.

Many people who know me might argue that point. I’m always busy doing things, getting “life” handled, never one to laze around much. That’s not the kind of lazy I’m talking about.

My writing is lazy.

Last week I finished reading “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” Beyond the fascinating look at the relationship between technology and spirituality, the book dwells heavily on the idea of Quality. What is quality, in motorcycle maintenance, in writing, or in living our lives?

I’ve been guilty of phoning it in, writing to finish a blog post for the primary purpose of having another blog post go live. Quality is often the casualty of this kind of to-do mentality writing.

Realizing this, I stopped in my tracks. Is it better to just sit quietly when I have nothing to add? Should I write just to fill the empty space, with the only justification being that I am a writer?

No.

While the subjective measure of quality can certainly be disputed (there are far “better” writers out there adding their thoughts to the universal conversation), I commit to quality first. If that means a blank page, then so be it. I’ll have a glass of wine or take a long walk, and do that with all the quality I can muster.

Quality is the result of a single moment in time spent in attentive, grateful awareness.

Climb every mountain.

“The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.” ~Robert M. Pirsig in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

It seems that a large portion of my last few years has been spent searching…for clarity, for answers, for ephemeral and elusive “happiness.” Pouring through books, reading ancient poetry, seeking out the wisdom and counsel of more “experienced” spiritual travelers, and always wondering what’s next on the path.

Along the way, I discover a deeper truth; I am happy. Not the giddy “I’m going to the zoo today” happy that is laced with anticipation and can quickly dissolve into disappointment if the polar bears are on strike and refuse to leave their igloo, but a deep knowing that all is good, all is in order. It’s equilibrium of a sort, even if I had to lose my balance entirely to get here.

It seems that, somewhere on my path to arriving, I’ve found myself through the very act of traveling there.

There is a tiny river babbling its way beside my open hotel room window. It’s lunchtime, and the café tables on the sidewalk below are filling up with locals and maybe other “auschlanders” like me. The lilacs, peonies and various unknown varieties are blooming over the rock wall. I sat on a park bench in the town center this morning, reading Pirsig’s novel about a divided mind, and the mental rockslide that carried him too far from center to be accepted in our tidy little world. I wonder what separates any of us from madness, genius or enlightenment.

I suppose we are all mad in our own little ways, yes? Then we are all perfectly alright.

Out of balance.

There’s a great line in a Tom Waits song:

“If I exorcise my demons, well my angels may leave too.”

I’ve always connected deeply to those words, wondering what happens after I purge the ugly from my mind, my soul, my life. Does the beautiful diminish too, to balance things out? Scientifically, to maintain equilibrium, a force in one direction must be acted upon by an equal force in the opposite direction. Does it hold true for us?

A good thing happens, and something bad happens to “balance things out.” It seems somehow “right” and, in a weird way, soothing, to know that we take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad. Too much happy, and something’s just not right.

What if that’s wrong? Maybe we can find our bliss only by going out of equilibrium, by embracing EVERYTHING with gratitude, sans labels of “good” or “bad.” Maybe, as we stretch open our arms to LIFE — the raw, juicy, messy sweetness of it all — we knock ourselves out of this hypnotic state of balance and spiral wildly outward into living. Making our own rules, being with the people who support our journey, and taking every blessed stinking thing that comes along as a gift.

Or maybe we just fall over. Either way, it’s worth a try.

I surrender.

It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and I wish I could sleep.

My fiancé is sleeping soundly, peacefully I assume, although who knows what may be raging in his own dreams. I’ve been awake for the last two hours, mind whirling with the amount of “things” happening in the next few weeks. Children (one his, one mine) arriving home from foreign countries, another graduating from college, one more packing for a cross country move. Final preparations for our wedding, and making plans for the honeymoon trip. The aftermath of the move; astonishing how many places one must change one’s address. The realities of a new blended family life, and a new marriage about to begin.

Too much to think about. Resistance is futile. Or at least counterproductive. I get up and write.

I had lunch with my friend Sandi yesterday, and she asked me if I was excited about all these changes. Of course. And with the excitement comes other emotions, ones that maybe are to be expected in the face of major life changes, yet somehow seem unspeakable.

To quote Alanis Morissette:

“I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed.”

I think about surrender. The most common dictionary definition is dark: to relinquish possession or control of to another due to demand or compulsion. Who would sign up for that?

Still, there is an alternate definition: to give up in favor of another. In favor of another…person? Or in favor of another way to live in the world?

What if we surrender our resistance to the feelings we feel ashamed to have, the thoughts we believe we aren’t supposed to think, the things we want that we are told we shouldn’t? What if we stop resisting the words in our heart, the beauty of our dreams, and all the delicious chaos that goes along with walking the journey that is truly ours?

What if we simply accept it all — the so-called “good” and “bad” – as the conditions of choosing to exist in this life for one more day? Today I choose to simply, honestly and completely surrender to what is, and give gratitude for having this crazy, and temporary, chaos and overwhelm. These things are in my life because I am alive, and on my chosen path. And for that, how can I be anything but blessed and blissed?

“And what it all boils down to my friends
Is that everything is just fine fine fine…”

Resistance is futile. And that’s just fine fine fine with me.

Glow babies.

The age old conundrum…”I love you, now please change.”

Why do we treat the people we love like large lumps of Play-doh, constantly reworking them to better suit our own fun factories? If we find a person with whom we can exist in harmony, why are we always risking that harmony by our incessant fine tuning?

“But her life could be so much better if only…”

“But he would be so much happier if he would…”

We justify our tweaking in the name of love, assuring ourselves that we are changing this person “for their own good.” I’m calling out the crap. For the most part, we change our friends, our partners, our kids to better suit our own views of how our world ought to be ordered.

You can’t force a flower to grow taller or produce more flowers. You can, however, water it carefully, give it the nutrients it craves, and lovingly keep the weeds from its legs. We can allow our flowers to grow to their most beautiful potential by providing what the flower needs from us. Still, sometimes that plant will not grow, no matter how carefully tended. That is for the plant, not us, to decide.

What if we decide, right now, to stop trying to change anyone, and simply allow our presence in their life to let them grow as they wish?

Today I see the difference, so clearly. To all the people in my life who are on their own path of growth, this song’s for you. Glow on, with that daylight so bright all around your hearts.